Despite everything, it's still me

Today I turn 50. The half century mark. 

That's the age that old people are!

How did this happen?

I read once that you're only old when the ache of your nostalgia for what you've left behind becomes stronger than the thrill of anticipation for what the future holds. 

I'm trying to resist that, by continuing to learn. The one thing I really like about myself is that I'm curious. I can't stand not knowing.

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

So I'm seeking out new music, listening to podcasts, reading books I've never read before, by not wallowing in what was. But I have a natural predisposition towards melancholy to begin with, so it's not easy.

Also, I guess I am old now, because "Natural predisposition towards melancholy" sounds like a  diagnosis from the Edwardian era.

I don't know if someone's basic nature can change beyond a certain point. 

"What can change the nature of a man?"
(50-year-old Josh remains topical with a video game reference from 25 years ago)

In general terms,  I still hold the same values and share the same interests that I did when I was 31, when Percy was born. Or 23 when I got married. Or 21 when I became an adult. Or 18 when I graduated high school.  

I'm still me. 

The specific way these values manifest have changed because my circumstances and the world around me have, but the values that give rise to them, the fire that casts the shadows on the cave wall, have not, not fundamentally. Not really.

I still believe that people should be free to be who they are. I believe the strong must stand up for the weak, the voiceless. I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person, to steal a sentiment from the Unitarians. 

Now that I'm older, I'm better positioned (or maybe just more inclined) to put myself out there and start enacting the changes I want to see in the world. I serve on the local school board, I was a trustee for our local library, I recently joined the local Rotary club. 

However, it hasn’t always been easy. With increased involvement comes greater exposure, and that has left me vulnerable to the occasional unfounded and despicable rumor. Fortunately, one of the benefits of having lived this long is knowing who I am and what I stand for. While I’m still sensitive about certain things, I find the lies so detached from reality no longer have any power over me. I don't recognize myself in the person they're attacking. On the whole, it's worth it. I'm in a position to help people, so I do. And besides, "Your opinion of me means nothing when I know better."

We were always told that we would grow more conservative as we grew older, but that hasn't happened with me. Instead, I find myself increasingly idealistic while simultaneously becoming progressively more pragmatic. I believe, more than ever, that those values I enumerated must be championed, but it has to be done in way that allows them to be implemented effectively. Sometimes that involves compromising, and knowing when to compromise and when to stick to your ideals is the thorniest part.

It makes me think of the maxim "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Many people misinterpret this as a cynical attack on good intentions or as a warning against meddling, but I see it differently. To me, it shows the importance of not just wanting to do good but also taking responsibility for the outcomes of our actions. It's a warning that good intentions alone are not sufficient; when coupled with poor execution, lack of foresight, or ignorance, they can result in harm rather than benefit. It means there is a responsibility to anticipate potential outcomes and consider the full impact of what you're doing.

I don't want to be a three-day monk and tie everything to my current interests, and I know have have tendencies in this direction, but I'll return to the Rotary Club, because I think their four-way test for this purpose is a pretty good starting point.

1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

I guess time will tell how I'm doing. Hard to know what your story is really about until you reach the end. Until that time, I'll keep doing my best.

Swing by in another fifty years and I'll give you an update.