Five things that will not actually make your movie better

Wow, this sounds like the title of a Cracked article.  This is my humble list of concepts that pop culture believes merge flawlessly like peanut butter into chocolate with any other property, but in fact, do not.

It's not a list of things that are bad. It's not a list of things I don't like because they're popular. Disliking something because it's popular is a particular trait of geek culture, and it's just as ridiculous as liking something because it's popular.

This is a list of things that I can enjoy in moderation, but they've all become so ubiquitous that they really hold no surprises anymore, and I'm less interested when I learn that one of these things will be present in a story.

Usually Bad 

1.) Zombies: Sorry, Jeremy, but oh, boy.

 Let's do an image search for "Sexy Zombie".

100 + more. Sweet, merciful Romero.

I've argued in this post about zombies and in this one about Berserkers that zombies work best as an environmental threat, something that's only dangerous if you're careless or screwed by your fellow humans. I like zombie movies, but I think zombies are only scary in the absence of a functioning society. Even the granddaddy of them all, Night of the Living Dead, recognizes this. The dead were spontaneously reanimating, and a couple people in close proximity to a cemetery had a really bad night, but by the end of it, a bunch of rednecks were making a game of killing the zombies.

Also, if all else fails, use bears.

The exception to the zombie rule is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a book shamelessly plagiarized by that hack, Jane Austen.


2.) Tesla: Not the band.

(Well, okay, the band. They suck, but they're not awkwardly shoehorned into every property imaginable.)

Need 22nd century technology in the late 19th century? Nikola Tesla did it!

He's the patron saint of geeks. He was unquestionably a brilliant scientist. Like the other items on the list, he's not good or bad on his own, but he's ridiculously overexposed. I blame Elon Musk and the Oatmeal.

3.) Steampunk: Close cousin to number 2. Sometime a steampunk aesthetic can work. The Legend of Korra is outstanding example of building a steampunk look organically. It's mixed with a 1920's Shanghai vibe that gives the series a very cool look and feel. Unfortunately, for every cool Korra mecha tank (see below),













we have three Abe Lincolns with minigun arms.

"Looks like you brought a derringer to a minigun fight, Booth."
From the awesome site, Unnecessary Steampunk.

4.) Knight Templar: Ugh, these guy. I think that each of the above properties work well in their own milieu, but I can't say the same for the Knights Templar. They never work, and they're fucking EVERYWHERE,

We still use swords in the 21st Century. 

5.) Benedict Cumberbatch: The Mary Sue used to be an absolutely outstanding site until they abruptly merged with Geekosystem. Quality fell off a cliff, and now every other article is a warbled squee of "Maisie Williams/Joss Whedon/Benedict Cumberbatch did something!!!!!"

The Internet seems to want to cast him as everyone from Luke Cage to Sharon Carter, and while TMS is hardly the only offender, they are certainly among the most egregious.

Borderline

Bill Murray: A friend sent me a link with this message: "Did either of you see that Bill Murray has a movie out in which it looks like he just plays Bill Murray?"

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/weinstein/stvincent/

I replied: I think we're nearing peak Murray. I love the guy, but dang, is he everywhere! I would hate to see the day when I see a headline about him and think, "Ugh, him again?", but, unfortunately, such a future is no longer inconceivable.

Usually Good

Cthulhu: The Cthulhu Mythos  is something that gets mashed up with a lot of stuff. An old acquaintance from my time at the comic store (and Jen's time at her church. You thought I was joking about Unitarians worshiping Cthulhu) wrote the 463 page Cthulhu Mythos Bibliography & Concordance. It was published in 1999, and, due to the explosion of online publishing, I'd bet that it would be twice that size if it were written today.

Opinions will differ, but I think the reason that the Mythos meshes with other properties better than the other things I mentioned is because it's not just one thing. Read the Lovecraft eZine's submission guidelines to get an idea, or Wikipedia's piece on the Cthulhu Mythos as a whole. It's more than just monsters with unpronounceable names and lots of tentacles; it's broad enough to encompass a number of interpretation, and that's why it's not a red flag like so many of the things listed. Are there terrible Mythos stories? Of course there are, but in general, it's not the Mythos elements that make them bad.

Review: Doctor Who Season 8 Episode 9: Flatline

Alas, this is just a placeholder post until I get around to seeing the actual episode. I hear it's good, though.

In which Akinator the Web Genius tries to guess Zelazny characters

A friend turned me on to Akinator the Web Genius and I've played with it on and off for a couple years. It's an online program that plays twenty questions with you, and, while it's not infallible, it's pretty good at guessing, and getting better.

I decided to see if I could get it to guess Corwin.

1.) Has your character ever really existed? No.

2.) Is your character from a TV series? No.

3.) Has your character ever been in a movie? No.

4.) Does your character have dark hair? Yes. 

5.) Does your character wear shoes? Yes. He's not a hobbit. 

6.) Is your character from a video game? No. There was the Nine Princes in Amber Computer Game, but we all like to pretend it never existed. 

7.) Is your character a female? No.

8.)Does your character live in America? No. This is a judgment call, as Corwin as Carl Corey lived in America, but I thought answering Yes here would be misleading, and the program is only as good as its information.

9.) Is your character from Homestuck? No. 

10.) Is your character from anime (Japanese animation)? No. 

11.) Is your character less than 25 years old? No. 

12.) Does your character have magical powers? "Misli, gammi gra'dil, Strygalldwir" Yes.

 13.) Is your character a human being? I answered "No" the first time I tried this exercise, as humans generally don't live for hundreds of years and aren't capable of lifting a Mercedes, regenerating their eyes or walking between dimensions, but Akinator hadn't guessed after 43 questions, so I went with "Yes" this time.

14.) Does your character fight with a sword? Yes.

As the rider advanced, his ruddy gaze flicked over my person and halted when it fell upon Grayswandir. Whatever the nature of the mad illumination at my back, it had tricked the delicate tracery on my blade to life once more, so that that portion of the Pattern it bore swam and sparkled along its length. The horseman was very near by then, but he drew back on the reins and his eyes leaped upward, meeting my own. 

His nasty grin vanished. "I know you!" he said. "You are the one called Corwin!"

But we had him, me and my ally momentum.

15.) Is your character more than 40 years old? Yes. "I was older than I appeared to be. (Thirtyish, I'd seemed when I looked at me in the mirror--but now I knew that it was because the shadows would lie for me.)"

16.) Has your character been into space? No.

17.) Is your character an assassin?  No. You're thinking Brust, not Zelazny.

18.) Does your character have a brother or sister? Yes. Getting warmer...

19.) Does your character have a sister? Yes.

20.) Has your character lost their memory? Yes! You're on fire!

21.) Is your character the main character of the work in which he appears? Yes. 

Well done, web genie! I like the picture too, from the Visual Guide to Castle Amber. The genie guessed Roger Zelazny after about 25 questions, but couldn't get Dworkin. I think the problem with the latter is that one of the questions was "Does your character have a last name?" and I answered "Yes", because Corwin names him Dworkin Bariman in 9PiA. "Bariman" is obviously an anagram for "In Amber", (see also "Rebma") but I always assumed it was actually Dworkin's family name and that there is a Barimanways in the Courts of Chaos.

It's a fun way to pass the time. Try it with other Zelazny characters and let me know the results!

Tale of the Toilet

I've mentioned in the past that I used to work in Competitive Intelligence. I kept it vague, for a couple of reasons. One of them is that I have a distinctive name, and should I ever return to the field,  this will serve as a record. Another is that the more vague I am, the more interesting it sounds. I worked in the field of Competitive Intelligence, yes. On its own, it sounds all high stakes baccarat and spy pens and femme fatales. It's considerably less interesting if I mention that it was the Construction market. More specifically, plumbing. Even more specifically...toilets.

"Good merchant Vama, wait! I would have words with thee." 

"Yea, Kabada. What wouldst thou?" 

"It is difficult to find the words I would have with thee. But they do concern a certain state of affairs which hath aroused considerable sentiment on the parts of thy various adjacent neighbors." 

"Oh? Speak on then." 

"Concerning the atmosphere ... " 

"The atmosphere?" 

"The winds and breezes, perhaps ... " 

"Winds? Breezes?" 

"And the things they bear." 

"Things? Such as ... ?" 

"Odors, good Vama."  

My boss at the job was certainly the smartest person I know personally, he holds several patents, and invented the toilet seen here. He has a background in math and accounting, but not in engineering. He taught himself the principles required to design a new type of toilet from the ground up. He's the person narrating this video.

"Odors? What odors?" 

"Odors of, well, odors of, of fecal matter." 

"Of ... ? Oh! Yes. True. True enough. There may be a few such. I had forgotten, having grown used to them." 

"Might I inquire as to their cause?" 

"They are caused by the product of defecation, Kabada." 

"Of this I am aware. I meant to make inquiry as to why they are present, rather than their source and nature." 

"They are present because of the buckets in my back room, which are filled with such, items." 

"Oh?" 

"Yes. I have been saving the products of my family in this manner. I have been doing this for the past eight days." 

"Against what use, worthy Vama?" 

"Hast thou not heard of a thing, a wondrous thing, a thing into which these items are discharged, into water, and then a lever pulled, and then, with a mighty rushing sound, these things are borne away, far beneath the ground?" 

"I have heard some talk of such ... " 

"Oh, 'tis true, 'tis true. There is such a thing. It has but recently been invented by one whom I should not name, and it involves great pipes and a seat without a bottom, or a top, really. It is the most wonderful discovery of the age, and I will have me one within a matter of moons!"

Despite my theoretical toilet expertise, I don't have a lot of hands on experience. I'm a bright-ish guy, but I'm not handy around the house. However, my mother was coming up for her first visit in years. We performed some extensive work on the bathroom, and we decided that the old toilet would have to be replaced. It looked like the toilet from Trainspotting.

"Thou? Such a thing?" 

"Yea. It shall be installed in the small room I have built onto the back of my home. I may even give a dinner that night and permit all my neighbors to take use of it." 

"This is indeed wondrous, and thou generous." 

"I feel so." 

"But, of the, smells ... ?" 

"They are caused by the buckets of items, which I am preserving against the installation of this thing." 

"Why?" 

"I should rather have it on my karmic record that this thing was used for these items beginning with eight days ago, rather than several moons from now. It will show my rapid advancement in life."

One of the advantages to living in 2014 is that there are tutorials for everything. The instructions for installing the toilet were clear, and the videos helped clarify anything that wasn't. I might not be handy, but I can follow instructions.  The biggest problem was getting the floor bolts loose, and after that, it was simply a matter of plug and chug.

"Ah! I see now the wisdom of thy ways, Vama. I did not wish it to appear that we stood in the way of any man who seeks to better himself. Forgive me if I gave this impression." 

"Thou art forgiven." 

"Thy neighbors do love thee, smells and all. When thou art advanced to a higher state, please remember this." 

"Of course." 

"Such progress must be expensive." 

"Quite." 

"Worthy Vama, we shall take delight in the atmosphere, with all its pungent portents."

I was really amazed by how simple the entire experience was. It feels pretty good to improve something around the house like that.

Stuff Josh Likes: Period Pieces

As the title suggests, I enjoy period pieces. It's no coincidence that my two Lonesome October stories The Great and Groovy Game and Mother of Monsters  are both period pieces, being set in 1974 and 1955. (Single White Necromancer is set in 2001, but there is nothing really to indicate this beyond the days of the week).

I was watching Mad Men recently, and I don't think I'd like it nearly as much as I do if it were set in modern times. 

I also like the movies Jet Li did back before he came to Hollywood, the crazy colonial China martial arts epics. I suppose a big part of the fun is discovering things about the past ("The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.") Period pieces seem richer in meaning somehow, because everything has a meaning. I always like discovering new things, and there is always ample opportunity. For instance, Mad Men had a throwaway line about a Unitarian Minster who was killed in Selma. That was enough information to find James Reeb, a figure in American history of whom I would have otherwise been ignorant.

It also enables tricks you can't play with contemporary stories, like in Shada, when the Doctor brings a cassette of Bonnie Tyler's greatest hits back to 1974,  

In general, period pieces tend to be crafted with fussy, meticulous care, which is something I like in a story, and which is why I give them an edge of their non-period counterparts.