Friday, September 20, 2013

Fifteen True Facts about Jane Austen

Because my friend Jen couldn't be bothered to email me ALL DAY, I'm publishing fifteen true facts about her idol, Jane Austen.

  1. Jane Austen wasn't actually a human being, but rather, a sophisticated colony of spiders in a very cunning disguise. 
  2. She personally owned over 3,000 slaves and left instructions to have them buried alive with her when she died. 
  3. Like a Titan of myth, she swallowed her own offspring whole 
  4. She ripped off Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by getting rid of all the monsters, and then tried to pretend it was a completely new book. 
  5. She holds over 63 patents on different and more restrictive types of corsets, in service of her philosophy that women should be petite and submissive. 
  6. She breaks into your house and moves your stuff around when you're not there. 
  7. She is a believer in the discredited science of eugenics and conceived a baby with Pol Pot in order to give birth to the "wickedest child the world had ever seen." 
  8. Once beat a dinner guest to death for using a salad fork to eat a pastry. 
  9. Ordered the last passenger pigeon cooked and served at the same party, took one bite and decided she didn't like it. 
  10. She kept a dozen mermaids as pets and flushed them down the toilet when they weren't cute any more.
  11. Life long rivalry with Charles Darwin culminated with his assassination by way of her gom jabbar, and continues beyond his death by replacing him on the ten-pound note. 
  12. Is the secret backer behind the Men's Rights Movement. 
  13. Was the talent agent who discovered Carrot Top, Jar Jar Binks and the cast of the Jersey Shore. 
  14. Went back in time to assassinate Edward Jenner so he couldn't invent the smallpox vaccine. 
  15. Was the gunner on the Death Star and fired the shot that destroyed Alderaan. 


  1. Spoiler:

    You're forgetting the best part. She was abducted by aliens and then became not only one of humanities last survivors but one of the newest members of the Third Street Saints. Plus she serves to narrate the adventures of their puckish rogue of a leader.

    And I love Jane Austen who was NOT a colony of spiders but a werewolf. I mean everyone knows that!

    1. A werewolf? Hmmm...I thought she had merely neglected her personal hygiene, but this makes a lot more sense.

  2. Jane wouldn't do that to Alderaan. She and Princess Leia are BFFs.

    1. Yeah, she's tight with Leia, but Bail Organa? She hates that guy.