Thursday, July 11, 2013

Crossover Combat: Battle of the Scorpions

Now for something completely different.

The blog has mostly been lying fallow lately, so let's see what I can do to change that.

Today's post offers the Battle of the Scorpions!

The Contestants

Mortal Kombat Scorpion

I was a teenager in the 90s, and video arcades were still a thing back then. Street Fighter II revitalized a moribund genre, and it spawned a horde of imitators. Most of them are forgotten, some were absolutely unique, and some were good enough to stand on their own, and with the second generation came Mortal Kombat.

I liked the first two Mortal Kombat games a lot. They looked great, played differently and they had a neat Enter the Dragon mythology going. That mythology eventually got so convoluted that it strangled itself and required a reboot (!!), but for a while it was different and really fun.

Scorpion is a guy who evidently saw April O'Neil's bright yellow jumpsuit and thought, "Hey, that color would look good on me."

He's an undead ninja with a spear and a great catch phrase.

Marvel Scorpion

When my friend Frederick told me that Scorpion would be showing up in Injustice: Gods Among Us as DLC, I thought he meant this guy. Then I thought, "Wait, he's a Marvel character. What's he doing in a DC game?"

Apparently, shitting all over Superman wasn't enough for Ed Boon. He had to stick his own characters in a DC fighting game. Boo!

Growing up, I was never sure what the deal was with the Scorpion. Was he some kind of mutant? Was there an experiment/accident? Was that his body or a suit?

(No. Yes. A suit.)

I liked him. Spider-Man always had some pretty great rogues and he had a distinctive enough look that I didn't mind not knowing what his deal was.

His backstory is arguably even more convoluted than that of the other Scorpion's. Lost his suit, learned Spider-Man's secret identity, forgot Spider-Man's secret identity, the usual roller coaster that any long-lived comic book character goes through.

Recently, he bonded with the Venom symbiote, got in a fight with Namor and incapacitated him by ripping off his ankle wings, which scientists have proven is the most awesome sentence in the English language.

He's described as physically superior to Spider-Man, who is mid-range superhuman. Plus his tail could be packing anything from acid to plasma blasts.

Hank Scorpio

Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins?

Homer Simpson's one time boss, owner of a Doomsday Device, mastermind of Project Arcturus and ruler of America's East Coast.

A James Bond Supervillain, he's notable for actually winning in his first and only appearance. +10 for being awesome, +1000 for disappearing before we get sick of you. (Lindsey Naegle, I'm talking to you.)

An actual scorpion

Aren't they the coolest looking animal ever?! 


Hank Scorpio versus an actual scorpion: Unless it sneaks into his boot when he's not looking, I give this one to Scorpio. Winner: Hank Scorpio

Hank Scorpio versus MK Scorpion:  For the purposes of this piece, we're giving Hank Scorpio all the accoutrements of a mastermind. So he gets his volcano base, his goons, the whole shebang. I give this one to Scorpion. He is a teleporting ninja, after all. He sneaks in and assassinates Scorpio, whose minions don't realize anything is amiss until they shake their peacefully snoozing boss and his head falls off his hammock. Winner: Scorpion.

Hank Scorpio versus Marvel Scorpion: Marvel Scorpion is many things, but stealthy is not one of them. He smashes his way into the Volcano Base and starts breaking things, but doesn't get more than a few rooms in before he's fibrillated apart by the Gehenna Gun. Winner: Hank Scorpio.

MK Scorpion versus actual Scorpion: MK Scorpion steps on it without even noticing. Winner: MK Scorpion.

MK Scorpion versus Marvel Scorpion: I think this one goes to Marvel Scorpion. He's physically superior to Spider-Man and has a bunch of gadgets in his tail.  MK Scorpion wouldn't have the chance to leverage his stealth like he would against Hank Scorpio, and while he's a passable fighter by fighting game standards, he regularly loses to woman who comes to a tournaments in her sports bra and hot pants. (Sorry Sonya fans) Mortal Kombat Scorpion gets smeared. Winner: Marvel Scorpion

Marvel Scorpion versus actual scorpion: Marvel Scorpion picks it up, thinking it wants to be his friend, whereupon it stings him in the face. Winner: Actual Scorpion.

And as my misunderstanding of the transitive property shows, (Hank Scorpio beaten by Mortal Kombat Scorpion beaten by Marvel Scorpion beaten by an actual scorpion) the actual scorpion wins the tournament. All hail our arachnid overlords!


  1. I loved everything about this post, but this line in particular stood out: "He sneaks in and assassinates Scorpio, whose minions don't realize anything is amiss until they shake their peacefully snoozing boss and his head falls off his hammock."

    Excellent. Just excellent. And the final picture was a nice touch, too!

  2. Hey, thanks! I even included a Lord of Light reference, just for you!